After the accident
by Carriej56
Summary: Ana is on a journey, this story is set six years after the helicopter crash. Ch1 is an introduction and sets up the story (as yet unwritten) This is very ooc and at the moment a hea is not guaranteed this may change though. Mental health issues will be touched on. Buckle up kids its gonna be a rough ride. Disclaimer: EL James owns the characters but I own the story.


As I sit here on the cold floor in this dark room, all I can do is contemplate my life. Where did it all go wrong? Well actually that's the easiest question to answer, it went wrong six years ago, shortly after a helicopter crash and it just got worse from there. I rest my head against the damp wall and think back on the happiest moment of my life, when he asked me to marry him, if only I knew then what I know now. I'd have run screaming to the hills and never returned and maybe, just maybe my life wouldn't have become what it is now. Yet what's done is done and I must accept that this is either fate or karma, no more rose tinted glasses.

 **Six years ago**

"The Seattle billionaire Christian Grey is missing, we have reports that his private chopper crashed, so far one body has been recovered, we have been informed that it is a female and the speculation is that it is that of the chief operations officer at Grey Enterprise Holdings Miss Ros Bailey, however these reports are currently unconfirmed, this is Marcia James reporting for Seattle Independent News at..."

"No! How many times do I need to tell you to stop watching this?" He snaps as he yanks the cable from the wall. Tears flow down my face, leaving red scorch trails in their wake, I don't speak, I can't speak. Everyone has crowded into the great room to see what I've done now, poor little Ana, naive little Ana, innocent little Ana, I want to scream, I want to make them all leave, I don't want hugs or to be told everything will be fine, my world has just spun off it's axis. I'm floating in a void of nothingness, the only words I hear are Christian and missing.

"There's no need to yell at her! Look at her, for fucks sake! Christian will rip you a new one when he hears how you've been treating her" Kate, my best friend and now protector screams in her boyfriends face.

"I am looking at her, she watches this shit 24/7 and it's killing her, I can't hear it again cause fuck!" Elliot pulls his hair, I stare as he does, the gesture reminding me of Christian. "It's killing me too. It's my baby brother out there Kate and there's nothing I can do" He kind of whispers the last part.

My eyes unfocus on the room. Time is a relative concept, when you're in love and wanting it to last forever it flies by, when you're stuck in a hellish limbo however, it drags. I've not slept since I heard the news, at least I don't think I have, I need to be here with a view of the elevator for when he walks in. I see movement in my periphery but don't turn my head, there's nothing and no one here that I want. Hushed conversations take place all round me, I pay them no heed, snippets enter my ears "medication" "call Flynn" I alert to that, has Christian called John Flynn? I scan the room, it's somber some of the hope I have starts to die in that moment. I'm overwhelmingly tired, to my bones, Christian won't be happy with me, always the disappoint Ana. I stand up, the room goes silent as I make my way to the master bedroom. I open the door and it's like diving into his arms, his smell surrounds me. I get into the bed and hold his pillow close, I stroke it like it's him. I run my hand through his hair, it smells of his expensive shampoo, I caress his back, gently stroking his scars with the utmost love and care, I tangle my legs with his much larger, much more muscular ones and feel his arm gently caressing my back soothing me to sleep, which I willingly do.

My eyes snap open, it's dark and Christians side of the bed is cold. I listen for the sound of the piano playing but hear nothing. I grab my satin gown and go to find him.

The great room is empty, the kitchen is vacant too, as is his office. I startle at a voice behind me.

"Is everything all right Miss Steele?"

"Sorry," I stammer "I didn't mean to disturb you Taylor but I can't find Christian. Is he down in the gym or out running?" I enquire

Taylor gives me a strange look and leads me to the couch where he sits me down and then looks distinctly uncomfortable.

"Oh god! He's left me hasn't he? It's one of those submissive girls isn't it? Fuck! Has he been cheating this whole time? Taylor? Has he?" I jump up furious I want to hit something, anything! Preferably the cheating bastards face.

"No Miss Steele, please calm down"

"Calm down? CALM DOWN? Are you kidding me where is he Taylor?" I demand while storming about the great room, that honestly feels as pretentious as it sounds right now. I don't notice when Carrick first enters the room until his voice booms over my ranting

"What the hell is going on out here?"

I turn and stare at him. Why is Carrick Grey at Escala?

"Miss Steele is having one of her moments again" Taylor says to him as he practically runs out the room. Wimp! He's a security guard that can't handle little old me.

"Wait, what?" I shout as what he said dawns on me. He freezes, and looks at me with sympathy in his eyes.

"Come Ana, sit, we need to have a talk. Taylor, if you could fetch Dr Grey please"

"Of course sir" he replies as he slinks off. I'll get that bastard later.

"Okay Ana what's wrong?" He pats my knee and it just feels off, this whole thing feels off.

"Where's Christian? No bullshit, if he's left me just tell me and I'll be gone."

"I'll tell you where he is in a minute, just first honey, what did you do yesterday?" He asks. I think. Yesterday...

"I got up, showered, went to SIP, had lunch with Mia and Kate, back to SIP then home here with Christian we had dinner together then, well that's private" I answer honestly and slightly baffled as to why he's asking "now, where is he?"

"Oh Ana sweetie" Great, here's Grace to fuss like a mother hen when her son has run off to god knows where in the middle of the night without security, why is she not worried about him?

"Ana, darling, you didn't do any of that yesterday." He speaks with such sincerity but I know he's wrong. Grace gives me a pitying look.

"Um, yeah, I did. Ask Mia or Kate, hell ask Christian they can all confirm it. Don't look at me like that!"

"Ana, Christian went missing seven months ago. Do you remember?"

"What?" My head spins, I feel sick, I run to the bathroom and vomit up whatever was in it until I'm just dry heaving over the pan. I rest my forehead against the cool porcelain. It can't be true, it just can't be. Seven months doesn't go by in the blink of an eye. He was in my bed last night. I can smell him in our room. I take a deep breath in and smell nothing, I look where his things are on the vanity and it's empty, then it hits me, the helicopter crash.

Grace taps on the door as she enters.

"Ana, I think we need to consider the inpatient facility again. You're mental health is the most important thing here, we all need you well Ana. Just try it for a week and see how we go. Please Ana. We can't bare to see you like this, you don't talk, you barely eat and when you are lucid sweetie, you're repressing your memories. Carla and Ray are trying their best as are Cary and I, but you need proper care now and I think deep down you know it too." I blankly nod. I look down at my arms wondering if my thoughts have scarred my body, I don't see any signs, yet. I feel the darkness in me consuming me again, pulling me under so I'm just a spectator of my own life, wondering if I look as vacant as I feel.

 **One year after the accident**

One year has passed since that night. I'm standing on the roof of Escala, surrounded by Christian and my families. We all light our candles and whisper prayers to every deity we believe in, I whisper mine to the man himself.

"Christian, wherever you are, you have a part of me with you, let me be your light and guide you home. Please come back to me please" I whisper to the sky, hoping that reality really can be like a cheesy romcom where he hears me and comes home. I place my candle down in the circle as we all stand as they burn out the ash carrying out words to the world and the heavens. We all pile into the lift and down into the apartment.

Mrs Jones and Claire her niece have put on a large buffet for everyone. We all sit and talk about Christian, I don't have much to say as all my memories are hazy, it's probably all the medication I'm now on.

In facility treatment helped a lot. I couldn't hide there. They understood the depression and the anxiety and the uncontrollable rage. All this time I've been so angry at him, the kind of anger that makes you act first and think later kind of angry. One of my coping strategies has been to learn to control and channel my anger into positive things, I peel and chop veg in a soup kitchen, highly supervised with blunted peelers and knives, just in case. My thoughts haunt me, the medication helps, but the negativity in my head can be all consuming. I have good days too though on those days my mom and Ray take us out, Me, Teddy and Rose.

Teddy and Rose, the two beacons of hope in my black world. They live between Carla and Rays house and Carrick and Graces. Claire is their nanny. My two beautiful children. Christians children. Born six months after the crash by emergency c-section. In special care for the first month, they came home at three months old. I wasn't here, neither was their daddy. Our parents have joint custody, I'm allowed supervised visits as I'm still not able to fully care for myself, my bad days still outweigh my good ones.

I don't lie to myself anymore, I still lie to the world. The facade that is Anastasia Steele is a well constructed lie, the woman who has it all, except she doesn't. The loving mother, the publishing executive, living the lifestyle of the rich and famous. Nope, no and never. Some days I don't even get out of bed, I just lie there and cry until there's nothing left in me. Baby steps, that's what the shrink says, baby steps Ana, you'll get there. Some days when the ship called Ana is sinking only those two little lights keep my face above water, when the rest of me has already drowned.

 **Two years since the accident**

Two years, so much has changed. I won't lie I still have darkness in me, just my good days outweigh my bad ones now.

I sold Escala, it's not a place to raise children, too many windows! My mom and Ray live with me and the kids at a beautiful house on the sound. I had a vague recollection of Christian wanting to live here so when this house came up I jumped on it as a fresh start, that was just over six months ago, just before my babies first birthday. I have joint custody with my parents now, but as we all live together I'm pretty much a full time mommy. I'll admit that it's the hardest job I've ever had, and sometimes I feel like I can't cope but my parents are there to support me every step of the way. Plus I'm still monitored closely as I had a "psychiatric event" and any trigger could catapult me back there, okay so not any trigger but a few things have sent me spiralling, Elena Lincoln for example.

Mrs god damned Robinson was at my kids first birthday, I flipped but I had reason, as murky as some memories are, others are crystal clear and when a man describes abuse, sexual abuse, as some kind of twisted therapy, that I remember! Fortunately she just got my rage as I dragged her outside by her fake ass long brown extensions, the cops came and her old wrinkled but is sat in a jail somewhere. Carrick and Grace were so upset and I wish I'd remembered beforehand, but it's a funny thing my memory, some days I feel like I remember every second of being with Christian, how in love we were, how we were gonna get married, how in tune we were with each other, and then other days I feel like I was scared of him, like he didn't love me, like he was a stranger, a closed book. I wish he was still here though. I ask Grace a lot about him, she reassures me that he loved me in a way she'd never seen him with anyone, and that he was fiercely loyal to me.

Kate and Elliot had a baby, a boy, they called him Chris, after Christian, he'll be one in a months time. They split up when he was six months old. They're still friends, they always were, just with benefits, they tried being together for Chris but neither were happy, Elliot has been seeing a girl called Penny for the last month and seems smitten, Kate is actually happy for them and even introduced them, which is weird to me. I only know this as Kate comes over once a fortnight for a play date. We're not as close as we were, she says we are, but we're not. I'm a different Ana now than the one I was before, it's one of the few things in my life I'm sure of.

I still help at the soup kitchen a few nights a week still monitored after an incident last year, I was papped by Seattle Nooz, that gossipy trash, it ran some bullshit story that Christian was never on Charlie Tango when it crashed and that he'd realised he was stuck with me knocked up he'd run away, it then posted photos of me in treatment that it'd got from someone wanting to make a quick buck on me and my life. So yeah, after a month of hell, being hounded by the press and the paps, I went under again.

Elliot doesn't talk to me anymore, and Mia grows more distant all the time, I know they see the children at Bellevue so at least they're not missing out. My mother says they'll come round but I can't see it. I know they look at me and see a different person here, they'd all rather have Christian than me but that's okay, some days so would I.

 **Three years after the accident**

I'm getting married. Yup, I said it.

Christian was officially declared dead last year the day after the two year anniversary of the crash. I still have people looking for him but we've all started to accept he's not coming back.

My babies have grown so much! They are two and a half now and Teddy is the double of his daddy and Rose looks like me. Their personalities are like call and cheese, Teddy is so calm and laid back, and Rose is permanently hyper and full of questions about everything. They both know about Christian, mainly through his family, we have photos of him and they each have a daddy scrapbook that Mia made them.

Mia and I are closer again, mainly because of the children, but also because she realised I was ill after the accident, she started training to become a psychiatrist and everything clicked, she's round at ours two or three nights a week which is great, we love having her and really she's the only person I know that can keep up with Rose!

Carrick and Grace are well, both still working, we visit them every weekend if we can. It can be awkward but they've both been supportive of us.

My mom and Ray moved out after we got engaged. They didn't go far, just two doors down in fact so we still see them all the time, the kids love it.

I'm back working, finally! I've missed it. SIP wasn't where I've ended up though, I own the very small, independent publishing house, Lambert Steel, after both my fathers. If I'm honest it's based in my home office at the moment but I've had a couple of promising manuscripts in, so you never know, I might be the next big thing.

I'm no longer at the soup kitchen, my fiancé refitted the whole place with top of the line appliances and I've made sure that they have enough fresh produce to keep them going indefinitely plus together we are trying to set up something to stop vulnerable people often with mental health problems from being on the streets. It's hard but it's worthwhile. Kate has really stuck in and helped us too, her articles have been picked up nationally and congressmen and women have been in touch to see if we could maybe make it national instead of local.

Little Chris is a thoughtful child, he's the perfect midpoint between my pair. Always analysing, he really has taken after Christian even if they've never met. I love him like my own.

So the fiancé.

He's tall, he's handsome and he's probably exactly who you are suspecting.

Yeah, Elliot and I got together six months ago just after the twins birthday. We just clicked. He'd been single for a while I'd been single forever and it was just right. He's even told me that's why he'd been avoiding me, trying to hide his feelings out of respect for his brother. Men eh?

I know I felt all consuming passion for Christian but Elliot? This is deeper, it's like our souls know each other, plus he's seen me at my worst, so fucked up that I only existed in body, he can see though my facade, he sees the real Ana. He loves me anyway.

Our wedding is less than a month away, before Chris's birthday. It's going to be amazing, Mia Grace and Mom have planned it all, a beautiful quiet wedding at home. I'm going to be Mrs Grey!

 **Four years after the accident**

I am now Mrs Anastasia Steele-Grey, I worked hard to get my identity back, no way I'm losing it now!

The wedding was beautiful, the moms and Mia did us proud. Small and intimate exactly what we wanted. We took a week away just the two of us, to a secluded house near a beach where we loved, laughed and talked about our future. It's amazing he really is the man of my dreams, he adores my children as I adore his. Our dreams and life goals are so similar it's uncanny, our live have blended into a perfect harmony.

Our charity is going well, the Christian Grey Foundation helps the anyone who needs it. There's talk of government reform to expand mental health resources to be free to all, plus we are building residential facilities to provide a supportive transition back into society, with full rehabilitation available. There aren't many yet but every little helps.

The twins are three now, and very excited that in approximately six months, they'll be getting a new sibling! I'm due a week before their birthday, so that should be interesting.

Elliot hasn't fussed over me and is letting me get on with it, which is exactly what I want. I mean he's excited, I'm sure, he smiled at the sonogram when we heard the heartbeat, but he's really nervous. I keep meaning to ask Kate if there was any problem during her pregnancy.

I'm probably over thinking. I do it a lot, you know, since, well, everything. I'm doing so much better in that respect now, I'm only on low dose, pregnancy safe meds, which is good. The hormones have had me acting a bit strange, one minute I'm really up, the next I'm so depressed and as I don't really remember being pregnant before... stop! Ana stop worrying! Worrying is bad for the baby.

In other news, Lambert Steele has a proper office in Seattle, With more than just me on the payroll! We've published ten books in the last year, one of which was in the children's top 100 for two weeks, the others are doing well, no New York Times bestseller yet but my inbox is always full as is that of my assistant Jane, who is a WSU graduate too, highly recommend by her tutors so I've got no doubt she'll be a great fit with me.

Mia is great, still over a couple of times a week, no significant other yet but she's young still. She's doing work experience with John Flynn at the moment, he's a psychiatrist who used to treat Christian and is close friends with Elliot, they go out together a lot and even away camping at least once a month, I think camping is code for chalet somewhere with beer on tap, I know my husband!

Mom and dad Grey we still see all the time, the kids adore them, and we are all very close. Kate has a similar relationship with them to me, plus they live right next door to each other

 **Five years after the accident**

You know that feeling when something just isn't right but you can't put your finger on it. That's how I've felt for this past year, Elliot is distant all the time we don't share a room let alone a bed anymore, our marriage feels like a sham. I just don't know why. I think he's just waiting to leave me, I don't know what he's waiting on but there's definitely something if he'd just tell me this would be easier for both of us. The kids have noticed somethings not right but El just takes them to his parents or the park or just out when they start to question, they are almost all four now and they're not dumb. He's also taken over the foundation, with Mia and Flynn now having more input. It makes sense though, I mean I'm busy with publishing, Jane and I are equal partners in Lambert Steele, working twelve hour days, sometimes longer between us to keep the business going. We have so many talented aspiring authors but not enough time, money or resources, this year will be the sinking or swimming of our business.

Kate has become distant again, she had another baby, a girl, Ava, no one knows who the father is and she won't tell as she says he's not interested. I can't understand that, when I had Ellie, Eliot was there, he adores her, he's also become a bit of a surrogate father to Ava too, what with him being Chris's dad. He often takes them both to give Kate a break. He's such a good guy.

I've been so much better since Ellie was born, my meds were upped again as I had postpartum depression. I'm much better now, between work and my kids I'm always busy, that keeps me well, and almost stops me thinking about Christian. Okay, I'm totally lying I think about him all the time, I wonder if I did the right thing with Elliot, my investigators still find nothing. I find that strange it's like he climbed into that chopper and vanished into thin air. There's nothing more to find, no stone has been left unturned, his disappearance will always be unsolved, it does give me sleepless nights but I've moved on. This is just a rough spell in the marriage, everyone says it has ups and downs, this is just a down. I'm over thinking it again. El tells me I do it all the time, always second guessing everything it's one of the reasons we don't sleep in the same room. I'm often agitated at night and apparently I call out for Christian sometimes, I understand how that would upset him. I'm seeing another therapist, even occasionally Flynn, who alters my meds to keep me on an even keel. All in all life is good, I know I have it better than most.

 **Six years after the accident**

My life has gone to hell.


End file.
